Tag Archives: Your Ex

Couple After Breaking Up and Being Dumped

 

Facing the aftermath of being dumped by surprise can be one of the worst feelings. You can’t seem to focus at work or school, you become obsessed with memories of your ex, you lose your appetite.

And when my clients come to me in these kinds of situations, I find that specific actions are extremely helpful.

Here are a few tips to get you started after you’ve been dumped:


  • Date. I know it’s sometimes the last thing people want to do after a breakup, but there are so many men out there for you to go out and have fun with without the expectation of a serious relationship. Just be upfront about your intentions. You can tell your potential dates that you’re casually dating or wanting to explore the city, but aren’t looking for anything serious. Those who have similar intentions will stay in the game.

  • Fill your time. If you used to make dinner with your ex every Sunday night, plan an activity that you’ll look forward to until the pain of Sunday nights subsides. Get together with your friends, volunteer, take a class, or catch up on your favorite shows. Fill that time that you used to spend with him doing something fun or productive and stop the anxiety. Some of my clients know when they’ll have idle time so they ask their friends to hang out – and promise not to bring up the ex!

  • Plan for weak moments. You’ll have your weak moments when you may want to contact your ex. Have a go-to plan in place – exercise, call a friend, distract yourself with work, pick up a book, etc. And whatever you do, don’t cyber-stalk! You’ll be upset if you see something you don’t like or can’t explain – “Who is that girl in that photo with him?” Even better, unfriend him on Facebook if you haven’t already done so and if necessary, block him so you won’t sneak a peek. Also, allow your friends to take your phone away at times of weakness.

  • Keep count. If you’re an “out of sight, out of mind” person this won’t work. But if you’re not, use a calendar to keep track of the days you’ve gone without contact. Having a visual reminder can also keep you from reaching out.

  • Remember why you broke up. Visual reminders can be extremely helpful. Keep a list or use sticky notes with the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Leave them in your purse, put them on your nightstand or hang them on your fridge. Were there any red flags that you missed? Write those down and look at them often. If you had friends who disliked your ex, this would be a good time for them to remind you how much they disliked him.

  • Avoid your relationship haunts.It’s ok to avoid your usual hangouts until you feel better. It doesn’t mean your ex has power over you, it means you’re paying attention to your emotions and doing what’s best for you in the moment.

  • Get out of routine. Getting out of routine can elevate mood. Whether it’s taking up a new hobby, trying different restaurants, or taking a trip to a place you’ve never been, these little and big ways can make you feel happier, which can also give you hope that you can happily move on.

Although time can heal all wounds, it’s what you do with that time that can be a key difference to you healing more quickly.

There’s so much dating advice on the internet these days, and some of it makes me cringe, especially when it comes to what not to do on a first date. The first date is particularly important because as much as you may text each other before the date, nothing matters more than first impressions and the conversation that follows. Below are two pieces of bad first date advice that you should never follow:

  1. Don’t talk about your exes. Talking about your ex can give your date important information about you and what you’re looking for in a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’re still hung up on him, but how you bring the info up makes the difference. Obviously you don’t want to bad-mouth your ex. But what did you learn from the relationship? Why didn’t it work out? Did your ex cheat? You can have a conversation about how important loyalty and trust are to you. Was your ex selfish and only cared about meeting his needs? You can discuss what’s important for you in a relationship to feel satisfied. If your ex disrespected you, you can talk with your date about how you don’t tolerate that behavior and that it is a deal breaker. Maybe your ex wasn’t a good communicator and that created a lot of problems. You can take the opportunity to discuss how important open and honest communication is to you. By sharing your stories (just remember to not bash the ex!) and non-negotiables, you can see if your date thinks similarly or if they can’t meet your expectations.

 Trust me, you can filter your date out much more quickly than if you ask about how they like to spend their free time.

  1. Telling him you’re dating for marriage. You’re advised not to bring up the “M” word on a first date because it supposedly makes you look desperate. So basically this advice is telling you to suppress your own needs and desires in order to not scare a man off. If you’re dating for marriage or a long-term relationship, you definitely need to let your date know your intentions. I’ve saved myself a lot of time telling men I was looking for a serious relationship, and to their credit they were honest that they either were too focused on their career or didn’t have the same mindset.

Simply put, timing matters. Don’t waste weeks of your precious time by not telling your date what you really want. That time could be better spent with someone who has his/her goals aligned with yours.

…But it does make a difference on how you say it.

Men are terrified that a woman will just want any man – not him. So I coach my clients to say something like, “Yes, I would like to be in a serious relationship, but I know that it takes time to see if a guy is a good fit. I’m not just looking for just anybody, so it will take time to know more about each other to see if there’s even a chance.” Guys who are also looking for a serious relationship won’t run, despite popular advice saying that they will.

For more tips on how to date to find and keep a mate, come to my “Have More Than a Fling” dating workshop. The details of which are provided on this site.